Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
