she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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