1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
