Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
