I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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