Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
