this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
