sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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