if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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