mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."