my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
