I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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