Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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