fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
