This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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