i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
