my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
