Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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