it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
