he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
