I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
