it wasn't lemon gatorade
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My vagina is very pro this idea
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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