I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i drank out of a bidet.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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