i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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