If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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