I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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