I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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