i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
