I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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