I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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