if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
