she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
