I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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