She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
