oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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