I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
