remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
