Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
