Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
