so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
