literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
