I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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