Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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