I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
