That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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