I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
