we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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