Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
