Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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