I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
