I wish I could punch you in the face.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
