Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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