I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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