I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.