He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm