btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
