wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
