Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
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It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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