mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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