be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
