A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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