I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
