I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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