mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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